Only 50 at wits end, I dont want to start over, but I dont want to go another 10 years like this either, I cant talk to her about it be cause she has tried it didnt work, but no physical contact and her liking other guys attention just makes it unbearable, Between the undesirable side effects of the meds I take for depression and the unfortunate consequences of menopause, my sex drive is just dead, and I neither care nor have any desire whatsoever to revive it. Its bad. Its always whatever you want then she lays there kind of tense. Nowadays due to the requirement of Adult Mens Sex Toys, different kind of online retailer store like Lovecubby available for a variety of high-quality sex toys for men & women that everyone can love. Makes me feel worth lessnot worthless.worth. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy go hand in hand. A woman who feels that shes living with a man whocant regain her trust after cheating will most certainly have problems connecting with him on an emotional as well as physical level. Even without your wife, seeing a therapist will help you learn how to communicate with her, and give you new ways of looking at your marriage and strategies for coping. How should I phrase it? If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. This whole situation sucks for all of us. Her duty? !, so we better act tough, ya know! With my wife it was menopause. Wake up. She asked me to get castrated because Sex is hurting her. Guys need intimacy too as well as sex and we love our spouses too. Id been wearing blinders believing shed never cheat. Im just not happy & want much more for in life. Ive been thinking about wanting a second child seven years after I gave birth to our first one. Most importantly, a couple agrees that their marriage is built on a foundation of love and respect. Are there any people at all who have actually solved this any other way apart from no more proper sex or divorce? "Anatomically and physiologically, decreasing estrogen and just plain aging cause potential problems for our libido," Hardwick-Smith writes in her book. We are both quite healthy but she has little interesting sex now. He keeps saying hell do better, but nothing ever happens! But now living with you is not what she thought it would be and she closes shop on you. You know what I dont need to know the answer. He decided hed have an affair. Do this without the expectation of sexual intimacy. Im considering leaving altogether and realize it will put a financial strain on both of us although we have significant cash equity in our home which can make it much easier in retirement. Were you on a low dose of estrogen by mouth. He is a selfish person he is only thinking of himself. Finally after 40yrs he tries to help and cares more now than at any point all the times before. Frankly Im tired of people pushing to try Testosterone replacement again. I just accept that I could not control it and that it is Gods will for me. We see each other on a daily basis staying busy to supplement our income and find time to make love once per week. OATS and Senior Planet are charitable affiliates of AARP: | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy. Weve been married almost 40 years and neither of us had any sex partners before we met. About 10 % Love 90% Hate. That was then and she is gone now. She even said to me that I should leave if I am not happy, she prefers that I do not, but basically what she is saying is that if I want to stay, this is the way its going to be. This really sucks. I am a 52 year old woman who has had a hysterectomy and has gone through menopause and I have always had a high libido and still do. Dont you love anything? Didnt mean to lump all this on You but your comment triggered something. He wears it and with a little imagination it can work just like the real thing. Then if you still have to, decide. 19. Do you feel my wife never initiates intimacy? Underlying medical problems Men provide protection, stability, and resources. Many marriages have been ruin, husband are sad, desperate, when wives started to isolate themselves. I like the martyr thing, but its no B.S. No way you are real!!! It is an axiom of mate selection in nature that males display and females choose. That partner has truly not kept theur vow, but have managed to put us in a moral quandary. If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. For me she is the best woman I have ever been with. I havent found a way to replace that feeling of a man. I didnt sign up for this garbage! we always believe that we are being judged . Although he acts like he doesnt notice and maybe he dont. I do not believe love will demand it as a duty but love also doesnt hand over the relationship to the destructive forces and temptations, The older I get the more confident I am In such a case, it could be the reason why your wife avoids intimacy. You are so right, I should leave but feel guilty, leaving over sex. If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . I am free to masturbate without hiding it, just dont ask for sex, ever. Of course, all this pressure makes it harder for sex to seem to go well.". Its all a crock. Shes sorry, but I love her and say its ok. But how does that viewpoint help you find happiness in life? It is very common for middle aged women to wind up being hypothyroid. Seems to me that sex is more important to most guys than it is for a woman. As we age we need to look at things with a different perspective. Every month Senior Planets award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Thats abusive and hurtful too. I work, cook, clean, fix I dont drink or do any drugs. Id say he has some other issues. However, if the unfortunate situation arises where your wife never initiates physical contact because shes having an affair, you need to deal with it gently. Once you've looked at yourself, talk to her and pay attention to how she's feeling. Over time, expressions of love change form and that unbridled passion can begin to dull down. 2. Be loving. Here's her full guide to prioritizing sex as parents. That was 20 years ago. I have read here about mostly women who do not desire sex, but let me tell you, men not wanting or giving their female partners sex is an unmentionable crisis in our homes. by *someone!! . I had a feeling he was going to leave me in no time and he later did this was After 3 years of marriage, my husband left me and never returned. Im mid 50s married man who has ED and low T. I have always had a lower desire. I told him if he didnt want a divorce, he should feel free to find date outside the marriage, and if anything serious developed, we would revisit the divorce option. Our marriage was sexless because I couldnt perform so we started seeing various kinds of Therapists but after 5 years we had no luck. So, Im on my own unless I decide to cheat. She wasnt as attractive or as fine a dresser, and my adolescent mind didnt see her as the choice for my good looks. He also has an enlarged prostate and his GP said that testosterone therapy could bring on cancer. Is it so horrible for me to want to passionately kiss her if it doesnt even lead to sex? I love my wife even if we have not had sex for close to 6 years. The less stressed she is, the more free space she has in her mind to devote to all things naughty. I ruled our marriage & family and still do. Nope no sex. A free doctor approved gut health guide featuring shopping lists, recipes, and tips. She believes relationships should be easyand that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. But in practice, no one is equal. Do we cheat and risk hurting our wives and husbands? all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. I just dont understand. We havent had sex in over a year and a half because of my wifes lack of interest. The wife does not want to start sex and me asking her OVER and OVER and OVER got to her and her rejections and excuses got to me felt like there is always some excuse. I felt like she just gave me away to anyone emotionally and physically. Sounds like you were already successful and that attracted her to you. Maybe I should start trying to ease my husband into this conversation because we have been having sex rarer and rarer these past few years. However this does not mean that sex should just cease and its quite difficult for one party in a marriage or long term relationship to just do without something like this because the other party has lost interest (or is depressed), or whatever. Some women have no idea of how belittled this makes a man feel, and its not just a matter of getting our rocks off since we can do that ourselves. Got lost there. Theres no divorce possibility. . He was several yrs younger than me, Ive Never been married & Ive had a half dozen BFs or so. That can happen because of a lack of communication, a lack of understanding or just misinterpreting what their spouse is thinking. 2009 - 2023 MindBodyGreen LLC. We never had sex before marriage and on our wedding night he rolled over and went to sleep. Maddening! I asked her how long will this take for you to get over this panic stuff. Having a regular marriage check-in can help you keep an eye on your relationship and ensure you are satisfied with how much time you spend together in the bedroom. I was reading the original story and that exactly my life. Its just not worth my time to talk to her, all I get is whining, complaining and thats exhausting. When emotional intimacy dies a slow death in your relationship, its possible that it could signal an affair. the women stop trying once you give them what they want. Open a conversation with your wife about how she's feeling about you and the marriage, big picture, and go from there. At least your wife gives you a hand job AND wants you to Cum on her tits! Sex for men is like passing gas or eating: its just a physical thing that needs to get done. When I was single it didnt bother me I just figured I was easily bored sexually. how do i tell him that in this life, especially for them both, there is more to life than just sex. There is only one person I love adore and desire. You can usually put these triggering events into two main categories. I lived with her for a year after a very contentious divorce from the mother of my children who cheated. My wife did not give me your three choices, but they are still there. I was already starting to think that I was a man born in a womans body!!! And we sacrifice ourselves for them. Thank God I love to ski. Our experts helped them improve their sex life by advising a bit more spontaneity. When a woman notices that you have an affinity for what she loves, she gets curious, thereby increasing her desire for you. Havent had regular sex in years, just a HJ or BJ on 8 or 9 month intervals typically. Really? Invariably, its a case of emotional intimacy missing. I suggested just me doing him and he close his eyes and touch me nope. Get some technique. But, you must remember that this rejection of your sexual advances is often triggered by some underlying reasons. my dad still wants to have sex but my mom is too tired and no longer comfortable with sex. Were currently stuck at #3, but I have a feeling #1 is gaining ground and will ultimately prevail. If there is resentments in the home then it will not happen. I agree, once they stop theres nothing thats going to get them interested or willing to do it again. On fantasy world would be 24/7! I really miss a girlfriend I used to have who loved giving me oral sex. Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as increased sexual satisfaction, improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and passion back into their relationship. The sex was great but found I was working most years 2 jobs, supporting the house hold 3 kids. Just be sensitive to what she's going through: If she's dealing with a significant illness or painful condition, for example, it may not be appropriate to push for more sex at this time. When we were young, we had sex every single day. Couples counseling can help the two of you get back on track in your marriage and the bedroom. Thank goodness we get along well in every other area, however Im at a loss. Ohh my! So, I know my only option is accept this is my life from here on. We were both virgins when we married. And the source of so many sleepless nights is that person who promised to love and honor us until death dobus part and who still possess a mouth and fingers and the ability to do just that. Thats it, you said it thats what the woman loves. I was active outside a few times with permission, after 7 years of zero sex, and was not having problems engaging in it, but that had to stop when I tried to help a person I was seeing was caught. What is the point of being married if there is no intimacy? So Im frustrated as hell, but I love her and wont cheat on her no matter what. She tricked me, I fell in love, we have 4 grown awesome me, the model relationship in our large family. That leads to I dont like you. Ask if there is something you can do to make sex more enjoyable for her. Emotional intimacy is a big factor in a happy marriage and a satisfying sex life. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. "There is also much more pressure on any sex youdohave since it's happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. I remember when certain words did the trick. I know that feeling of the Phone etc being more important. And perhaps. Even books on men not wanting sex place the responsibility on the woman. I literally want sex daily and extremely sleep deprived because many nights I am rock hard all night long. My NEW husband gets a hard on, loves me to give him oral sex but is not sexually attracted to me at all. She claims to always be tired anyway. What to do about it: Remember that it's OK to not want sex with your partner sometimes. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. Lets separate then.NO! Been in sexless marriage for 45 years! Is like 5 times a year.! Pretty graphic stuff. So around our house it is whispered, why is he mad? Maybe there are areas of your marriage to be worked on, maybe a little couples' therapy will make a big difference, or maybe it's time to consider whether this marriage is really worth holding on to. As far as foreplay goes, either I dont know how to do it or she doesnt like to be touched unless she is in the mood. Our mouths and fingers still work! You need to talk to her and get to the root of whats causing her panic and anxiety whenever she gets close to you; when she feels comfortable and that whatever major issue there is, gets resolved, maybe your sex life will return. I have a similar problem but my situation is somewhat different as I am not on a lot of meds, and I am not unhappy with my life as an individual, but with my husband well, yes I kind of am unhappy with that aspect of my life. 10 years of this and going on5 years since last try, dont sleep in same be, snoring medical issues up down. I have the same problem I love my wife but I need sex. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. And sadly that is not my situation. Yet she constantly professes love. Most stay in the marriage because of kids and the men cheat as they should. 20yrs old. And there is another problem: When two people dont want the same things in the marriage or relationship (like trying to fix what is wrong), then there is often no solution other than plodding along as before. And I cook, shop for food, take care of dogs and have. Talk about a double standard! Because I have no suggestions as to how to change things. If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. Yes, we are accused of such, and rightly so quite often; but, no, we are sentient, thinking human beings. Thats why were looking at the most common reasons why your wife is never in the mood anymore and what you can do if your wife refuses to have sex. both my parents are senior. 30 years in sexless marriage. Have sexual experiences together that don't revolve around intercourse. Discussing the problem is a problem in itself because she simply get very irritated and by it and thats the end of that! I am dry (we tried lubricant) and hes small (always been, but seems more so in his 60s) and he doesnt get or stay very hard at all. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. Share This: Have a question about relationships and sex for seniors? Still in love with Vicky. You need to leave her. 24 years younger than I. Feeling like my wife never initiates intimacy is incredibly frustrating. That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. I bet you think all men are stupid as well. I dont masturbate much because I would prefer to be with her. Best to all. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. As we age, women and men need to feel desired and appealing to our partners. He is older than I am but even when we were younger, he was like that. My husband stopped 25 years ago when he couldnt get it up. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). All through this past Covid year, only one time did she come forward an say I need a hug. Who sacrifices? Even if you have something as small as a minor headache or you cut yourself while cooking, a loving wife will always be ready to pounce and get the first aid kit. There has never been either emotional OR physical closeness beginning soon after the marriage. Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. If you are not communicating about this, nothing will change. Scented coconut oil is a great way to give her a message. While its true that marriage isnt for everyone, it certainly isnt worthless. Its a shame when a marriage reaches this point because so much of both people were invested in it at the beginning and for quite a while. But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can improve your sex life tremendously. Before I married my second wife, Vicky told me she made a terrible mistake, still loves me and wanted back. You cant really blame her, can you? I like cuddling. Outwardly to friends he seems a good husband, and he is BUT he will not have sex as he dies not fancy me anymore! // Replace PAGE_IDENTIFIER with your page's unique identifier variable How about finding self-worth in volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? Our sexual problems are much more complex because I have accepted the fact that she really wants to be intimate but the cost is too high. Not a bar person.. any any suggestions. Help her through this transition andensure that she feels confident, no matter what changes her body has gone through. I am not willing to live the last 15-20 years of my life without affection, at least. In most cases, Ive seen that when one partner is depressed, after a period of time, the other starts to feel depressed as well. Well said my friend. I think I was just the sperm donor and now I am the sugar daddy that provides her a comfortable life. I was in a 22-year same sex relationship in which sex dried up after we had been together about 5 years. And the sex with my current partner is always strained because she doesnt show any real passion or desire to let go. I think it was William Shakespeare who pondered what an irony it was that desire usually so outlasts ability. Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as, , improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and. Take stock of all the good things you still have in your relationship that you might not find again. If there are other underlying problems such as financial constraints or strained relationships with the in-laws, the stress could be killing her libido and be the reason why your wife avoids sex. Want to continue the conversation? A woman figures that out, shell be HAPPILY married! I refuse to live out my life not feeling special. So she still has a spark of sexiness ..but wants the womanizer. And now we are old and the chance of my wife changing are now nil. This went on for years. I found a wonderful woman gynecologist, and she put me on low dose hormone therapy. Jos!! So all should take care on this. Maybe it will make a difference, good luck. Im basically living a lie until the time is right for us to part ways. But, on the sex side, not too good. So these women that men here are complaining about, it may just be the attraction towards the man is gone! Never thought it would happen to me, but it has, plus some other medical problems that leave me exhausted. Who cares whos got the problem enjoy not having sex! People need to be kept warmed up all the time before things can get hot again, they need to feel wanted, appreciated and valued before they actually want sex and are in the mood for sex. Im at a loss for words. More men need to leave their wives when they wont have sex with them. I only wrote this, to just say it. I am afraid Buck is correct. The marriage is fine except for the sex. Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. Here's her full guide to overcoming the sexual avoidance cycle, plus how to support a lower-libido partner. Couples can even have a thriving sex life during their 40s, if they wish to do so. Addie How can a person be so shallow that they base their lifelong relationship on whether or not their wife can help them empty their balls? What Im getting from these posts is that woman dont even want to try alternative ways to fulfill their husbands. You have your wife, intimacy is so much better than busting a nut and orgasming, why does this make us feel better?